Cloudy with a chance of rain

I'm emotional. That is no secret folks. I cry. A lot. It's just me. When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm worried, when I'm angry, when I'm elated... I cry.

If I was to ever write a book I feel like it would be called Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. Golly-gee I even have a rain cloud tattooed on my arm. This statement also is a perfect sentiment for my journey as a missionary. Heck it could even be called Sunny with a Chance of Storms.

Now don't misunderstand me. Please. When I say I'm emotional I don't mean depressed. No. That is not a word I allow in my vocabulary anymore. Because the "D" word is not allowed in my life. I spent most of my life living under the oppression and lie of the "D" word and in what I consider a miracle God healed me of depression in December of 2009.

Emotional for me is just that... my emotions are shown pretty much always and are a part of my everyday existence. Now the productivity or general acceptance of that is much debated. I know that emotions can not run your life or control your decision making. They do not in my life but I also do not shut them off when living my life or making decisions. I'm a passionate person. I will not change that.

Some people might think that me moving to Africa is an "emotional" thing. To that I say Yes it is and No it is not. Really it is both. I did not decide to pursue moving to Africa on a whim or because of emotional sentiment. Is my heart completely and totally wrecked and caught up in this decision? Absolutely.

I can remember it as if it were yesterday. It was hot. I mean hot with 2 t's - HOTT! I was sitting in the dusty dirt surrounded by filthy children in the horrible stench of the city dump. I was listening to beautiful little girls speak to each other in Spanish coloring pictures of bright flowers with the words Jesus Loves Me! Jesus Is Lord! God is Love! And as I sat there my heart broke in two. I could physically feel my heart break and I knew I would never be the same. I was changed. My emotions were transformed. And the God who I had just 6 months prior accepted spoke to me... This will be your life.

When I think of Africa and now my soon to be home country of Mali, I get emotional. I have pangs of longing. I get fearful. I worry. I am so excited I cannot contain myself. I cry, a lot. When I think of what I desire my life to look like there I get scarred. When I think of what my life might look like there I get overwhelmed. When I see a map of the continent of Africa I sometimes burst - into giggles or tears. It depends on the day.

But one thing is for sure - my heart was made for that place. Sometimes I wounder if my heart is literally the shape of the continent. That would be awesome. Unlikely - yes, but you get what I mean.

I believe one of the calls on my life is to be a Mother. It is a two fold call (promise). A call to be a Spiritual Mother and a Physical Mother. I believe God has and will give me opportunities and the honor of leading and guiding children in the ways of the Lord as a spiritual momma. And I also believe God is calling me to be an Adoptive momma to orphans. As a missionary I believe I will experience both... very soon I hope!

This promise is full of emotions. Even now as I think of the millions and millions of children who are orphaned my heart cannot handle it. It's too much sometimes. A few weeks ago I was daydreaming of adoption and dreaming of what my future could hold. But then that daydream turned to desperation as I imagine what orphaned children in Africa (and around the world) go through on a day to day basis. I wept over the thought that my children may be on the streets right now. My children may be in severely abusive homes or situations. My children may be really sick from treatable illnesses/diseases. My children may be going through hell on earth and I am sitting comfortably in my American life. I imagine their precious lives wasting away from hunger. I imagine the days, months, or even years that they have spent alone and afraid.

I think these things. I cry. I weep, really. I allow the emotions to bring me to the Lord in prayer. And I ask Him this: Please Jesus, please take care of them until I can. Please hold them until I can. Please feed them until I can. Please love them until they are in my arms and I can.

Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. Yes, that is sometimes my life some days. Or Sunny with a Chance of Storms. They roll on through also. But come clouds, sun, rain or wind it's worth walking in them. This missionary journey is worth it. Daily walking this broken and hard road is worth it.

Because at the end of the day I know I heard God. And I know that at the end of my days when I stand before King Jesus I will say with my whole heart - YOU WERE WORTH IT ALL!

~Nicole