Issues of the heart

Sometimes it is really hard for people to understand me. Heck, sometimes I find it really difficult to understand myself. It is true that I am a complex person. But in the scheme of things, who isn't?

I'm really glad that people cannot read my mind. Oh what a scary place it can be! One of serious contradiction at times.

Lately I have been faced with a whole slue of emotional situations. I guess that is to be expected when you invest in people's lives. Well for me when these situations arise I typically react in two ways - 1) With love or 2) With coldness. Yep that's pretty much it.

The two responses contradict each other greatly, especially considering my top spiritual gift is Compassion/Mercy and my love language is quality time. Ummmm?

As hard as this has been to watch within myself I am thankful that for the first time I am recognizing it. My immediate response is to love, to love with great compassion and to smother that person with my time. That's my instinct. But that is not always the action that is seen because there is this thing called fear that sometimes has a really strong grip on my heart.

Pouring into others has a cost. And there are times when I mentally count the cost and cannot fathom paying it. At those times the second response is expressed - cold, far away, unemotionally involved Nicole. Self preservation is a very intense thing.

The struggle between the automatic response and the fearful response grieves my heart!!! I desire to no matter what love with great compassion, to invest in peoples lives, to be Jesus to people. But the truth is - being like Jesus is not only very hard, it can be very painful!

And I think that is the real issue. Am I willing to hurt momentarily if it means that people see Jesus? Am I willing to stick with my immediate response and show compassion even if in the long run I will get 'burned'? Am I willing to pour in, knowing I will get nothing in return?

Romans 8:18 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

Jesus give me strength.
~Nicole