So many unspoken

My world revolves around words and sentences.  Five hours a day, four days a week my brain's soul job is to remember every French grammer rule, verb tenses and their conjugations, every word I've seen or heard over the last 5 months and somehow come up with a way to put ALL of that together and create sentences.  But creating them in my head is not enough.  Oh, no.  I must speak them out loud.  

I believe this may be the reason I have not been coming here to write much of late.  

The truth is, my brain is exhausted.  So is my body.

Some times at night I just cry because I can't get away from trying to formulate words and sentences for they permeate even my dreams.  My brain is so overloaded that it can't even turn off at night.

I have so much bottled up inside of my heart.  But I have a hard enough time right now remembering how to speak English that trying to express in words all that is on my heart... well that overwhelms me and I just can't right now.

I really want to use this space to share with people what is going on in my life as I work overseas.  I want this space to be one that is filled with stories of real life, of Jesus, of trails and victories...  and I do have many stories to share!  I just don't have the words to share them right now.

Stick with me.  And if you would, pray for me.  Thanks, you're wonderful!

With love from France,
Nicole

he IS close

*picture found on pinterest*

when...

I had a thought today.  It took my off guard.

I can't really remember what life was like before. 

I haven't been away for all that long but now that almost 5 months have gone by, life as I knew it is gone.  And the reality that my life is truly forever changed is beginning to sink in.

The life I once knew is gone and now it is time to figure out what life looks like now.

But it's hard to do that here in the waiting.  Here in the temporary.  France is not my home.  I am just passing by on my way to my new home.

So, how do I make a life here for now?

I think that very question has been hard for me the last few months.  And I don't think I will ever be able to figure out the answer.  Cultivating friendships that I know are temporary is hard.  Building real relationships with like-minded people who in just a few months will move on to their new home.

It would be easier and less painful to just not cultivate anything.  To allow ourselves to stay strangers.

But that is just not possible.  God made humans to be in community.  Then drop those humans in a foreign country to learn a foreign language in order to go live in another foreign country - community is what you cling to!

The Lord knows it is difficult for me to open up and let people in when I know it is not permanent   He knows.  He also knows how much I need the community of believers around me to survive.  We may not be going to the same places but we are doing this together - as sisters and brothers in Christ!

Our lives look odd and feel as odd as they look.  But our little "commune" is home, for now.  And we are each other's families, for now.  It's an odd place to be when... strangers bond and become anything but strangers.

*picture found on pinterest

progress...

This morning it was my turn to share a short devotion with the class.  The last time was simple to write because if flowed from my heart onto paper using my mother tongue.  That devotion had many words unlike to one from today!  You can read that devotion here.  This time however, I had to share in French.  Yep.  French and only French.

What?  Am I in French school or something?!  This is cra-zzzy.  With a capital C!  

Since I talk a lot about French, school, and the stress of learning a new language, here on my blog... I thought I would give you a peek into what that actually looks like.  I uploaded the short message I gave in class for you to watch.

***For my French speaking friends who watch this... yes there are mistakes and yes my pronunciation needs work! :)

Thank you for all of your prayers and your encouragement along this journey!  My progress is slow but it is coming!

In case you would like to know what I'm actually saying, I have a version of my message in English below the video.  This is not a word for word translation as many of the sentiments can't easily be translated from English to French. 

~Nicole

Hello!  This morning, I have a small message I want to share with you all.  I want to share from my favorite Psalm - Psalm 27, verses 4 and 14.  Psalm 27:4, 14

I want to be like David – to above all else ask and seek after constant communion with God.  I so often live my life running after so many other things – happiness, comfort, success, ministry, etc.  Only to come to the end of myself and remember I was made for ONE THING.

   

The greatest commandment we are given as believers as stated in Mark 12:30-31 is to Love the Lord our God with all our hearts, soul, mind and strength.

David desired to KNOW God, to KNOW His beauty.  David desired to live every moment of every day with God.  This was the closest thing to his heart.

As missionaries we will probably live in many different places.  For all of us here in this class, our lives will be lived, for at least a season, in Africa.  But I believe more than God wants us to live in Africa, He wants us to “live” in His temple.  Taking time to gaze at His beauty.  Taking time to KNOW Him.  Taking time to Love Him.

There is a reason God said, Love me FIRST and then love your neighbor.  When our hearts are found in God and full of God, we can love our neighbor!

We are all in a season of waiting.  I don’t know about you, but I tend to grow weary in the waiting.  I forget to keep my gaze on the beauty of Jesus.  I forget what I DO KNOW about God.  My heart grows faint.

God knows this in fact He knew this before He created me!  In this Psalm David reminds us to wait for the Lord!  Be Strong!  Let our courage be strengthened!

    

Why?  Because, He is good!

Let's pray.  Father, thank you for this day.  Thank you for your everlasting love!  This morning, we ask that your peace and your grace would fill our hearts.  We ask you to help us learn French.  In the name of Jesus.  Amen.

the nitty gritty

Yesterday, something happened that broke my heart.  It was subtle, a small things in many eyes.

I felt the twinge of guilt as I made the decision.  A bit of sadness and pain pricked my heart as I walked by.  I felt the nudge from Holy Spirit.  I heard the quiet whisper say stop.

And with this, the heart that I know found her way to the surface after nearly 4 and a half months.

I felt the prick and the nudge and the sincere desire to stop but I didn't.  I kept walking like I didn't see and went about the rest of my day.  But today, oh today, the man's face is in my mind and on my heart.  With a delayed response, my numb and a bit guarded heart broke.  The tears fell.  My heart longed to turn back time.  My heart begged to relive that moment and choose differently, choose rightly.  However, I can't.  I cannot go back to that moment.

*****

Saturdays I typically sleep in a bit and yesterday was no exception.  However, I couldn't sleep in too late because I was hitching a ride to the grocery store at 10am so I needed to get up and get ready.  As I put my grocery list together, walking back and forth between fridge and pantry and computer, I realized I needed to run to the ATM.  I finished my list quick, grabbed my purse and headed out the door.  I had about 45 minutes before we were going to leave so I had enough time to make the 20ish minute walked into town, down to the bank.

My pace was quick and my gaze steady as I walked the busy street.  I tried to ignore the unabashed  stares of people as I pass, people here know I'm a foreigner, they just know.  I crossed over to the other side of the street, the side the bank is on, at an earlier intersection than I normally do but I didn't think much about why.  I kept my pace quick and kept my gaze at the store fronts or on the ground, a new habit of mine.  That's when I came upon him...

   Let me take a moment to pause the story.  When I first came to France I was told that there are not  

   many homeless people because the government takes good care of it's citizens, in that if someone is  

   unemployed there are really great benefits they can receive to help prevent them from becoming 

   homeless.  That was very interesting for me to hear and very intriguing.  There were other comments 

   tossed in with that like, if someone is homeless it is by choice.  I have heard that specific comment so 

   many times in the US but here in France, it seems to have a strong validity. 

There he was sitting on the cold cement in a corner where two building met.  Surrounding him were his dirty bags, probably all he has, and his dog.  He appeared young but I couldn't really tell.  His clothes were worn and dirty, his hair matted, his eyes....  

I don't know what his eyes looked like because I could bare to look into them.  His voice was very soft though.  As I walked by him he spoke something to me, of which I couldn't understand.  I just kept walking.

I knew my heart had returned because as soon as I walked passed I thought to myself, buy him a baguette.  I hushed my heart and walked until I stopped at the ATM.  My mind kept thinking, the internal dialog continued and the excuses hushed the desire to help. 

     There is a bakery on nearly every corner in town.  It will take a few minutes to stop in and buy an 

     .80 cent baguette. You have time.

     I don't know how to talk to him!  How can I help if I can't even talk?  I don't want to just buy him a 

     baguette, walk up to him and hand it to him and walk away!  Maybe another time. 

I crossed the street and set out on my way home.  I tried to not look his way as I walked by on my way home but he was standing up juggling, I couldn't miss him.  My heart sank.  But I just put my head down and turned up my pace.  I made it home and shoved the feelings down and went about my day.

*****

The feelings made their way to the surface today.  As I thought about that man my heart became very sad.  Not necessarily for him but for me.  Yesterday I disappointed myself.  I chose self preservation over doing one small thing to help someone.  I chose to say yes to fear and no to Holy Spirit.  In all honesty, my heart is devastated.

Believe me, I did not stop for every homeless person I walked by back home in the States.  No, I did not, but I did stop when I felt Holy Spirit nudge me to.  But when you spend nearly two years working at a homeless shelter and most of your redeemed life time spent caring about poverty and working with the poor, there is a part of you that is forever changed.  This is not about me being a good person or being a good Christian, it's about the reality that I simply did not obey God.  

As a lover and follower of Jesus I know what He says about this kind of thing.  He made it crystal clear in the gospels how we are to treat people.  In Matthew 25 Jesus says,

     ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ ³⁷ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? ³⁸ And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? ³⁹ And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer them,‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’   

I willingly walked past this man and did not offer him something as simple as some bread because I was scared to be embarrassed that I could not speak or understand well.  

I didn't stop because I completely believed the lie of the enemy.  Because the truth is I could have slowly formulated a simple sentence that would have communicated to him that I was giving him some bread.  I didn't need to have a profound conversation with him.  I really don't think he would have cared that we couldn't have a long, deep conversation.  I think that if he was hungry my words wouldn't mean diddly squat anyway.  My actions would have spoke loud enough.    

This is all I had to say:  Bonjour monsieur.  J'ai acheté ce pain pour toi.  Bonne journée.

That's all.   

Jesus help me choose You in every circumstance.  Even when I'm scared and nervous let me choose You!  Jesus break through this fear that holds me back from loving the way You love, from living the way You lived, from being Your hands and feet.  Jesus, I ask for grace and mercy on this journey You have me on.  It's more clear than ever that I can't do this without You!

*****

What are you afraid of that is holding you back from being and/or doing what God has called you to?  How do you work through the fear?

what I hold on to

*picture found on pinterest*

can i get an amen!?

*picture found on pinterest*