Split Personality

That's how I feel sometimes... my heart and mind are split in two.

I can only assume that is how I will feel for the rest of my life. Split in two. My heart and mind in 2 places.

As the days come and go (quickly!) I am reminded of the changes ahead. Changes that I am embracing and dreading. Changes that will in reality split my heart in two.

I haven't spent much time far from home. Growing up my mom rarely left me. I don't know if she did it consciously or if that's just how the cards fell. For almost my whole life my mom has always been close by. So I have only experienced being home sick a few times.

In the last few months bonds have been created. Deeply rooted inside me. Friendships that will indeed cause a great deal of homesickness. Bonds, roots, friendships that a year ago I promised I would not allow.

You know, that thing called self preservation, yeah I'm good at that. Or at least I used to be.

When I first heard God whisper the call of missions over me at 15 I wasn't aware of the cost. I knew I would one day follow Jesus to the ends of the earth and I was more than willing, I still am. But now 10 years later I am coming to understand the cost of following Jesus.

At 15 I didn't have Christ loving friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. At 15 I didn't have 4 little boys who have carved a place in my heart that is all their own. At 15 I didn't have anything to lose. At 15 I didn't really now Jesus but I wanted to... and that really hasn't changed.

This past weekend I experienced that hurt of being homesick. I thought I needed a break. I thought I wanted peace and quiet and time to myself. I got what I thought I wanted and realized that was the farthest thing from what my heart truly desired. Three days away from the new place I call home had me longing for the noise of a busy house, the stains on my shirt from dirty hands and faces, and the shoes I trip over letting me know my friends are in the living room. I missed home. I missed my friends who have opened their home to me and who I now consider family. I missed the life God is orchestrating and growing me with.

I thought I needed time away but what I really wanted was depth in what I have. I spent my Sunday on the couch surrounded at any given time by 4 boys watching football and covering those little ones with kisses. I pulled each of them into my arms and hugged them like I haven't before. I ignored their noise and saw their faces and answered the desire for me to notice them. I gave away love that had been guarded inside my heart.

I thought I wanted time away because I didn't want to hurt from loving. But not loving has hurt even worse. So I hugged the people God has given me tighter than before and lingered a little longer. I looked into their eyes and saw (maybe for the first time) that they have been longing to give that same love back to me.

You see, God has asked me to leave and them to stay. I wish He would ask us all to leave but that's not how it works. But what God, oh my awesome God is teaching me is that as much as I will miss these people, they will miss me too.

At times the split personality I feel is hard and painful. But like Paul says in Romans, "for I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

I may live a life split. I may not. But until I go home to be with Jesus I will not give up the opportunity to love extravagantly no matter the cost.

My pray for me and for you today is this:
Abba, Father reveal your immense love to us today. Teach us to love like You love. To be more like You Jesus. Open up our hearts to receive all You have for us and open our hands to give away without fear. May we know You Jesus in a deeper way that we may know what You are calling us to. Amen.

~Nicole