*Note of caution... this blog entry is quite personal... more of a journal entry. But I wanted to let you in to my heart... to be real and honest and a little raw. This topic came up the other day and I wanted to briefly share what came from my heart when asked about being single as a missionary.
I was raised to be independent. Relentlessly independent. And to never apologize for it. I am thankful. I can survive on my own. Well expect when bugs are involved... then males are called into duty.
As I was growing up my parent were determined that I would be ok on my own. I have successfully lived on my own a lot in my young adult life. I can change a flat tire, fix many broken household item, use power tools better than many men, and stand up for myself. In my time living alone I also learned to sleep with my softball bat next to my bed, install extra locks on my doors and walk to my car with a key strategically placed between my pointer and middle fingers. I can hold my own. I can do alone pretty well.
While I am thankful for the myriad of lessons I was taught, in the secret place of my heart I have always felt like something was missing. You see I was raised to be independent but I was born with the desire to not live life alone. That is where I get hung up. Is it one or the other? Do I have to be Independent and Alone OR Dependent and Married. Can't I be an independent married woman?
As a young girl I learned how to survive on my own. But as a young woman I am learning I wasn't created to.
This is a revelation that both excites and frightens me.
As a twenty-something woman who knows I'm meant to live my life pouring into others in Africa this revelation causes a lot of tension in my heart. Since I have not reached my appointed mission field yet I can only speculate what is ahead of me. And of course with my super analitical and scheduled personality I speculate a lot and make plans for situations that quite frankly don't exist. But I have to plan, because as a single woman who lives on her own a plan can be your best friend - and your safety net.
There is a statement that has been said to me so many times. It's one of those statements that make my blood boil. When talking about me being a missionary in Africa the other (possibly well meaning) person will say, That's great! This is a great thing to do when you're single. It makes it so much easier - there is nothing holding you down, holding you back. If you were married you probably couldn't do any of this. Because I most often pretend I am a well mannered young woman I usually smile and nod my head. In reality I want to yell inappropriate obsenities and tell them they are fools.
Why does that statement upset me? Because I dream of the day I can be a missionary
WITH my husband. I long for the day when my CHILDREN live their lives in our appointed "mission field". My heart soars when I think of the amazing life my FAMILY could have as we live our lives not following the nonexistent American dream and instead live with the poor, the diseased, the forgotten, the orphaned, the widdowed, the least of these. That statement hurts because I never planned to do any of this, single. And it does not make it easier - believe me!
I also get so upset and hyperemotional at statements like this because, I am afraid. I'm afraid that as a young woman who knows I am to spend most if not all of my life on the "mission field" that I may never get married. Just being honest. It scares me.
Sometimes I fear that following God to Africa means that I may never be a bride. But none the less it is a fear that I will NOT allow to hold me back. God knows what He is doing... even if it freaks me out a bit!
***I am speaking ONLY from my heart and about my life. Can single women be very happy as missionaries and stay single? Absolutely! In fact I know many. That also goes along with the fact that God does bless people with the gift of singleness. Not every person has a desire to be married. I know this and totally support their decisions!!! This however is not me.***
"Consequently, [Jesus] is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God though [Jesus], since [Jesus] always lives to make intercession for them." Hebrews 7:25
Good on you Nicole for being so honest. It's hard sometimes, especially as someone who gives their life in ministry to be that honest. So good on you. The desire you have is understandable and I totally relate. I have been on the field for 3 years now on my own in a culture where it seems close to impossible for a single woman to have any sort of impact. But God has called, so I follow with a heart of joy. That doesn't mean that you don't have fears. It also doesn't mean that the ache to do this along with someone goes away. You just choose obedience because the other option is not really an option at all, and then just keep living by faith each day.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the courage to write this. I could've said the same lines myself, "Because I dream of the day I can be a missionary WITH my husband. I long for the day when my CHILDREN live their lives in our appointed "mission field". "
ReplyDelete--your fellow missionary (Korea)