Fading Veneer

When preparing to come to France I honestly did not expect it to be so hard.  I don't know why.  

This week was rough.  That is completely an understatement but the best "appropriate" word choice.  For the first time, on Friday I questioned if this is worth it.  'Worth it' are two words I use frequently.  They are rooted very deep in my heart but might not be for you.  Let me use these words this way...

When Jesus was arrested in the garden, He knew exactly what was ahead of Him.  He knew He was going to the cross.  He KNEW it.  Still He stayed put in the garden and allowed the soldiers to arrest Him.  

He knew that He was going to be beaten.  He knew He was to bleed not just on the cross but even before then.  Still He did not speak a word or fight back against the soldiers as they ripped apart His flesh. 

Jesus knew that as He carried the large, heavy piece of wood through the streets of Jerusalem where the final destination was.  He knew that in just a short time He would have nails driven through His wrists and feet.  He knew that He was shortly to die of suffocation.  Still He walked those streets and did not stop til He reached the top of the hill. 

As He hung, naked, next to two criminals, He could have chosen a different ending.  He very well could have called to the angels and they would have come.  He could have called to the Father to choose a different way.  But He didn't.  Jesus KNEW there was no other way.  He knew that the only way to remove the separation between man and God, was for Him to die.  He had to die.  And He did.

But why?  Because Jesus believed that you and I were worth everything.  He believed you and I were worth His life.  By dying, Jesus declared, 'They are WORTH IT!'

My time here has brought out much I was not expecting.  The veneer is beginning to fade.  Things that have been buried and hidden away are coming to the surface.  I am having to face things I hoped to never have to face.  Language school is currently the tool God is using to break up the very dry and unhealthy soil of my heart. 

I'm hurt.

And there are moments when I just don't know if I can go on.

I'm embarrassed.

And there are moments when my anger flares.

I'm afraid.

And there are moments when I want to hide under my covers.

I'm prideful.

And there are moments when I would rather cry in self pity then ask for help.

I'm weak.

And there are moments when my weakness is to great for me to accept.

I'm worth it.

And there are moments when remember why I'm here.

I'm here because me and Jesus believe the people of Mali are worth it.  And that has to be enough.