I wish

Do you ever wish you were like someone else?

Do you ever wish your life was like his, hers, theirs?

Do you ever wish you could change this or that even just a little?

I find myself often the casualty of this inner longing.  There are moments during the day I find myself daydreaming about how I wished my life looked.  And when I come out of that daydream session I often find myself unsettled.

My life is not perfect.  But my life is good.

Am I happy and content with every aspect of my life?  No, no I am not.  But that is the consequence of my own decisions and actions in life. 

To sit and daydream is not necessarily a bad thing.  My mind can be found daydreaming about future ministry opportunities and I get really excited!  Or daydreaming about the possibilities ahead of me.  Or daydreaming about my soon-to-be-here life in Mali.  It's fun to dream about these things.  My heart expands as my excitement grows. 

But when my dreaming turns into comparing is when I have hit the danger zone.  

One thing that I desired for this year, for 2013, is to embrace my life currently and to actively engage with Jesus to make necessary changes.  Make changes in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my body.  I came into this new year full of life and excitement to embrace the changes that Jesus had for me.  

Now, I think the excitement I felt was Jesus' way of protecting my heart for the hard-hitting and constant changes He planned for me to face.  

The excitement honeymoon period is over.  However, the longing for change is still there.  It's different now though.  The changes I wish for are big and lasting and deep.  

I find myself really longing for a heart change.

I am longing for a soul change.

I am desiring for a renewing of my mind, change.

For a long time I have tried to satisfy my longing for change by rearranging external things.  Switch up the furniture.  Add a picture here and there.  Spruce up something old and make it new.  Grow my hair out.  Buy some new funky clothes.  Try to go all natural.  Always trying to change everything around me.  Then I would sit frustrated and defeated when at the end of the day I still felt the same.

I wish... I would quietly mutter through hot eyes and with a bitter tone.

I wish... I smiled more.
I wish... I could be more optimistic.
I wish... I had a deeper relationship with Jesus.
I wish... I was more outgoing.
I wish... I found excitement in the little things in life.
I wish... I was loved people better.
I wish... I could feel free and skip and dance around through life.
I wish... I wasn't bitter or felt angry.
I wish... I was in love and married.
I wish... I had a house full of little ones who call me Mommy.

I wish.  

Wish, wish, wish, talk, talk, talk.  Then Jesus takes advantage of the fact I have to come up for air and gently speaks.  

Listen to me, He says.  You want these things?  What are you doing to get them?  You ask me for these things, and sweet girl, I hear you!  I give you opportunities in the day to smile more but you choose to frown.  I give you opportunities to be optimistic and be excited but you choose to be angry and bitter.  I give you opportunities to go deeper with me but you choose other things instead.  You wish and long for these things but your choices leave you where you are.  My daughter, you have to choose to change.   

My excuses are starting to run out.  My wishing is turning to hoping.  Hoping the well of bitterness is beginning to run dry.  Hoping the season of anger is coming to a close.  Hoping the wall of offense is weakening.  Hoping veil of separation is coming down.

A wish is passive.

Hope is active!

The time of hope has come and if hope is an anchor for my soul, then I truly can do all things through Jesus who gives me strength. 

He will give me the strength I need to choose to change.