I am a pessimist to my core. It's not something I'm proud of but it is what it is. I do try to be optimist, I really do! A Christian pessimist, not the most highly regarded quality combination. Yes, I lean towards believing the worst and easily find all the flaws however I am a zealous believer in hope.
When I made the decision at 14 to follow Jesus I had a very warped view of Christianity. I had been told that by accepting Jesus as my savior, my life was going to get so much better. I had this image of Jesus being this super pill that as soon as I took him, all my pain would go away and I would be the happiest person ever. The combinations of people "selling" me Jesus, my desperate need for help in my life, and the hunger for happiness, I was left in dismay at the truth. Life did not get easier. In fact, life got a whole heck of a lot harder. My depression did not go away. My dilapidated relationship with my parents did not mend. My love for the supernatural did not disappear. My self-hated did not up and leave.
Seemingly, my life still sucked. Bad.
Yet one thing had changed. All on its own, with no help from me. I had hope. Real, deep, believable, life giving hope. I had never known hope before I knew Jesus.
For the first time I was able to look at my life and see what was hidden: light, life. I now had hope that the depression would not swallow me alive. I now had hope that my relationship with my parents would be restored. I now had hope that I would one day rather read the Bible instead of books about witches. I now had hope that I wouldn't alway hate myself. I had hope.
Maybe hope seems small to you. Jesus tells his disciples that if they have faith as small as a mustard seed they could tell mountains to move. He said it. I believe the same is true for hope. Even the smallest amount of hope can literally move heaven and earth.
The only way to describe my life right now, is that it is weird. Weirder than usual. On my good days I feel like an aimless wanderer, a stranger out of place. I found these feelings all coming to a head in church on Sunday. As I sat in my chair, my mind was going a million different directions...
It's Palm Sunday. I wonder what they will do. I don't see any palm leaves. Alright, French don't do palm leaves, got it. I don't understand the first 10 minutes of the service so I'm not sure if they are talking about the Palm Sunday story. Alright, the preacher dude is getting ready... listen carefully for the Book, Chapter and Verse. Here's to hoping it's a low number as I get so confused with big numbers. Oh yeah! I totally got that! Mark, chapter 14, verse 1. Check! Ummm.... not about Palm Sunday. All-righty then. I'm lost again....
I left Church feeling a bit empty, as usual. On the walk home my heart longed for the answer to the question, How do I engage with God in church when I can't understand the language?! My heart and mind and soul all converged and a messy pile up occurred within me.
Back home there is a flurry of activities going on at my home church. This week there will be 3 days of services - Holy Week. Here there are no extra services and I haven't heard if there will be anything "special" for Easter on Sunday. Back home, Sunday will be huge.
The messy collision that took place was the reality that both brought me nothing but discontent.
Inside me I could feel this violent stirring happening. I don't want to need a special service in order to celebrate to most important day in all of history!!! A groaning too deep for words began to rip at my heart. The truth was, that without church telling me it was Holy Week and that Easter has come around again, my heart was totally disengaged. I found out just how dependent I had been on my Pastor telling me about Jesus.
Unsettled and shook up, I needed to know that if I never attend another church service in a language I understand that my soul will be feed, that my spirit will continue to grow in understanding and my heart will not grow cold!
As usual Jesus' response to me so full of grace and truth. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am beginning to understand what real weakness is. Yet, I trust I have a long way to go in growing in my understanding. This week as I prepare to take my first French Exam as am feeling very weak. Inadequate at best. However, in the darkest moments of the day, the hope I have in Jesus becomes my strength.
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