One thing the distance couldn't take.
The last two weeks were challenging. Between trying to study, experiencing anxiety for the exam, and facing strangling loneliness I learned a bit. As I waited to get the results back, I remembered just how much I dread results.
That's the problem with not being perfect, you must face your failures. And to be honest I dreaded the results more than the test itself. Always have.
I've never been good at being told what I do wrong. Maybe because tend to do more things wrong than right. Maybe it's the not so lovely thing called pride. Maybe it's the fact I take everything very personally. Or maybe because I fear being a disappointment.
Not many people would know how deeply I fear disappointing others. My life seems to be a string of choices that have left many people disappointed. Yet my attitude would never give me away. The harder the shell the less it all stings. I can remember the look in my parents' eyes at every announcement I made to them that was not in their plan. Despite some thoughts, it's never a look I desired them to experience.
Fear has an odd way of displaying itself sometimes. For me, fear tends to take on the identity of rebellion.
I have always wanted to make people happy. But I have also always known that my life or at least the life I want to live, is not one that will make many people look and think success. From an early age my desires in life seemed to constantly lead me to swim up stream.
It's all exciting until your heart gives way to the secret bitterness. Swimming up stream is exhausting and lonely. At times it's truly humiliating. But it's the life I always wanted.
This past two weeks have brought me into new understandings. Success is not my identity. This revelation comes with many strings [still] attached. I'll be frank, I know it but I don't quite believe it yet. The world looks at my life or your life and sees the mistakes and failures we have experienced. Often times those failures become our identity. A claim we allow to consume the truth. A label I often times don't fight back against.
Probably because I run on the rebellious side a bit, I have often taken pride in an alternative label. Counter-cultural. Radical. College drop-out. Colorful little freak. Unconventional.
But things are changing for me. I will always be counter-cultural, radical, colorful and many other things to many people for the sheer fact that I believe in and love Jesus. Those are no longer labels I look to receive because they will just simply be there as long as I continue to live my life as God calls me to live it. There are new labels I long for these days...
Lover of Jesus. Lover of people. Passionate pursuer of righteousness. Surrendered. Unafraid. Unoffended. Defender of orphans, widows, and the poor. Encourager. Wife. Mommy.
None of these labels come with money, position, prosperity, or earthly success. And I could care less. The truth though is that I cannot be any of these labels on my own strength! Only God can change me into these things. If you asked me right now at this very moment what is one thing I want to do more than anything, my answer would be...
To adopt the most precious little boy whose face I cannot get out of my mind. To hold his sick body as he heals from malaria. To hold his hands as he learns to walk without one of his feet due to amputation. To love him, nurture him, give him Jesus and be his mommy. To take away the label of african orphan and turn it into beloved son.
That's what I want.
But for now God wants me here in France, struggling to learn French, working through my stuff, leaning through loneliness, and everyday being drawn closer to Jesus.
So, my post exam thoughts consist of this:
*exam grades don't matter
*if I spend my life loving Jesus and loving others then I will be successful
*I learn slowly and there is no shame in that
*the rebellion has to go
*Jesus is more loving, merciful, forgiving, and good then I will ever be able to comprend
Probably because I run on the rebellious side a bit, I have often taken pride in an alternative label. Counter-cultural. Radical. College drop-out. Colorful little freak. Unconventional.
But things are changing for me. I will always be counter-cultural, radical, colorful and many other things to many people for the sheer fact that I believe in and love Jesus. Those are no longer labels I look to receive because they will just simply be there as long as I continue to live my life as God calls me to live it. There are new labels I long for these days...
Lover of Jesus. Lover of people. Passionate pursuer of righteousness. Surrendered. Unafraid. Unoffended. Defender of orphans, widows, and the poor. Encourager. Wife. Mommy.
None of these labels come with money, position, prosperity, or earthly success. And I could care less. The truth though is that I cannot be any of these labels on my own strength! Only God can change me into these things. If you asked me right now at this very moment what is one thing I want to do more than anything, my answer would be...
To adopt the most precious little boy whose face I cannot get out of my mind. To hold his sick body as he heals from malaria. To hold his hands as he learns to walk without one of his feet due to amputation. To love him, nurture him, give him Jesus and be his mommy. To take away the label of african orphan and turn it into beloved son.
That's what I want.
But for now God wants me here in France, struggling to learn French, working through my stuff, leaning through loneliness, and everyday being drawn closer to Jesus.
So, my post exam thoughts consist of this:
*exam grades don't matter
*if I spend my life loving Jesus and loving others then I will be successful
*I learn slowly and there is no shame in that
*the rebellion has to go
*Jesus is more loving, merciful, forgiving, and good then I will ever be able to comprend
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