rejecting an orphan spirit

When God was creating me in the inmost parts of my Mother's beautiful womb, He had a plan.  He knew exactly what my face would look like.  He knew exactly what my personality would be like.  He knew the things that would make my lips curl into a smile and what would bring me to my knees in tears.  He knew every aspect of the plan and set out to create me.

I imagine Him sitting at a potters wheel with a lump of hot pink clay, a smile on His face, and a cup of coffee sitting within arms reach.  When God formed me, He did it intentionally, not accidentally.

God is a Father.  It is at the very core of who He is.  And really that truth is also at the very core of who WE are.  Who I am.  Our Papa God is a loving parent who knows how to perfectly love, nurture, discipline and guide each of His children.  When God was forming me, I think He spent a little more time on my heart then any other part of me.  He had a specific goal in mind when He was forming my heart (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

I believe we are all created to need God.  I also believe that we are all created with a part of God's heart within our own.  The two are not separate.  They can't be. 

For me, God created me with an unfathomable love for children.  I know lots of people say they love children but for me, it is as if my world does not make sense unless I have little ones in my life.  As I got older God started to mature this love and has allowed me to go deeper into His heart.  God has given me a heart that like His, breaks over the realities that children in our world face.  Realities like poverty, single & double parent orphans, abuse, neglect, slavery, oppression....

Seven months ago Papa God allowed me to be taken into yet another level of His heart.  God allowed me to be able to understand and relate in a new and deeper way to the children He put on my heart.  God allowed me to become [by definition] a single parent orphan.  When Mom died, I was left Motherless.  I remember in the moments of holding Mom's hand as she died the magnitude of what was happening nearly took my own breath away.

In the months after Mom's death that orphan spirit tried very hard to attach itself to me.  What do I mean by that?  I was bombarded by thoughts and feelings of abandonment, fear, anger, confusion, hopelessness, and helplessness.  The battle between what God says is true and the lies Satan was throwing at me was [and at times still is] raging on inside me. 

People would talk about their Moms and I would get angry.  They would talk about their future plans with their Moms and my air-way would constrict as the feelings of abandonment and sadness washed over me.  I knew Moms helping their daughter prepare for their weddings and welcome grand-babies.  Jealousy, anger, sadness would rise up within me and I couldn't see straight.  

Sometimes I wonder if God cried as He formed this part of my life.  I wonder if He sat a little longer and molded a bit more gently as He carved into my being this part of my story.  I think He did because there have been times of completely unexplainable peace, comfort, and love that fill my spirit when grief threatens to become too much. 

Papa God knew the whole story before He ever started forming it and in His loving wisdom He carefully formed every part.  He took every inch of that hot pink clay and intentionally made every crease, every bump, every smooth part, every flaw and every perfection.  God knew that He was going to first give me a heart for children.  Then He would take me deeper into His love for them and allow me to have a heart that breaks for orphans.  And at age 27, He would allow me to enter into an understanding of how it feels to become motherless.
  
I know God's heart.  He put parts of His in mine.  That is why I can reject an orphan spirit and embrace His spirit! 

Romans 8:15-17, 23-28
15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him...23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.