God got on my level

Sometimes God gives me revelation in odd ways or through odd circumstances. The other night as I lay my head on my pillow and turned off the lamp I began to cry. My heart was heavy, my mind was swirling, my thoughts were jumbled. There are days in my life when I question God. Maybe as a believer I am not supposed to say that or think that but HE already knows it so I might as well speak it out.

I lay in my dark bedroom and say these words- Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to be set apart? Why me?

These words have never been spoken by me. Thought? More than likely, yes. In that moment I was really struggling with what God was asking from me.

The next day I came to a point when I needed to have a very honest and open conversation with the Lord. As I sat in the prayer room I poured out my heart in a way I haven't in a very long time. I spoke out everything that had been held in tight inside my mind. I spoke out. I confessed. I cried. I wept. I told God the truth.

And you know what? God did not leave me. He didn't walk away when I told Him the truth. The secrets I have tried to hide. The darkness met the light. And the light revealed new darkness.

Out of the tears, the fear, the shame of having to confess "I don't have it all together" I was met with revelation.

As I drove home after meeting with my mentor and sharing with her where I'm at, God hit me with some good truth.

I have been praying that God would increase my faith. That God would help me trust Him more and not doubt. The "God I believe, help my unbelief." I have been crying out for revelation and for direction. But for some very strange reason I though that none of what I was asking for would hurt or cause discomfort! Sometimes I question my own sanity.

As I drove home God began to speak to me (not audibly but through the Holy Spirit). If I actually heard God I would have probably crashed my car.

He began to speak to me about beauty. The beauty of faith. The beauty of trust. The beauty of being set apart. The beauty of being His.

He spoke to me about the beauty of silver and gold and pearls. It's a process to make these things beautiful. The process is hard and it is painful. But I have heard that a million times. Yes I know, the refining process. I needed something else, something more. But the thought of beauty was stuck with me. I want to be beautiful! So God came down to my level and spoke to me about this through tattoos.

You see I have been praying for faith, trust, closeness to the Lord. How else am I going to get these things unless God gives me and allows opportunities to walk in them. Duh! I have to experience things that cause me to CHOOSE to trust God. Choose to have Faith. Choose to believe Him. Choose. I have to choose to act. I have to choose what my response will be every time.

This is how He explained it too me. I have many tattoos. I am a wimp and so getting tattoos is VERY PAINFUL for me. They hurt from start to finish.

God asked me, "Would you ever go in to get a tattoo, and the artist gets done with the out-line of the tattoo and stop there?" Absolutely not. I hate the very thought of an unfinished tattoo! "So you would keep going and add the details and the color to the tattoo even though the pain is horrible?" Yes. I sit through the pain. I push through it with everything I have. I cry. I sweat. But I stay with it and get it finished. "Why? Why do you go through all that pain?" Because the end product is a beautiful new piece of art work that I get to see everyday. I love it!

"What about with me?"

What about with me?! That question nailed it. I got it then.

My relationship with God is like a tattoo session. It begins with a beautiful design, an awesome idea. Then the process of turning the design on paper to art on skin is painful. If you are willing to endure through the process the end product is BEAUTIFUL. But nothing happens until you are willing to go through the process.

I know many people who have wanted or thought about getting tattoos but never do. I myself have done that... I have so many ideas but don't follow through on them. And for me that is how I am with God sometimes. I see these amazing opportunities or beautiful experiences I could have with the Lord but I don't follow through. Why? Because of the pain I know I will have to go through.

Intimacy with Jesus may cause pain. Having my faith firm in Jesus could cause me pain. Trusting God completely, with everything might cause pain. Being set apart for Him might cause pain and discomfort.

What is the end product of these things? BEAUTY.

I decided I wanted to be beautiful. I want to live a beautiful life. I want to live in the beauty and the glory that God has for me. I just have to be be willing to walk through the process.

~Nicole