Busy

I am really sad that I have neglected my blog for some time now. Life has been very busy. That makes me really sad as well. I don't mind having an active life but I don't like when my life is too busy. A friend of mine once told me an acronym for busy - Being Under Satan's Yoke. Yuck!

At this time my life is very full. Working my full time job, working about 15 hours a week at my part time job, support raising, and taking an online class. Blogging doesn't fit into that schedule too easily :(

Feeling a nervous break down coming on I decided to attend a Women's Retreat with my dear friend Renee this weekend. I took half a day off on Friday and a whole day off on Saturday! I knew I need time off from work more than I needed a retreat. I needed to not have to be in charge or responsible for 50,000 things at one time. I needed to escape!

Even though I did not go to the retreat to "get something from God," I did. The retreat was all about our brokenness. I will be the first to tell you I am a broken person. I absolutely love Psalm 51:17 - "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

But this weekend revealed new depths of my brokenness. In this season of deputation (waiting to go to Italy) I have found myself trying to please many, many different people. Yes, I am a people-pleaser some times. Becoming a missionary in Italy is the biggest decision I have made yet in my life. I want to do everything well so that nothing is dropped or people are hurt/disappointed. But in my trying to please many, many people I have found myself treading water with my head just above the water line.

I must confess that that the main person I have been trying to please is myself. As a friend recently told me, I am extremely critical of myself. I expect the unattainable from myself and then get down when I seemingly fail. The big failures I have held against myself were revealed this weekend.

I am a broken and sinful person. I don't have it all figured out. I doubt God and run away from Him often. I rely on my own strength most days. I make mistakes. I cuss. I don't read my bible everyday... All of these things make me feel disqualified to be a missionary.

God knows this about me. Even when I try to hid it from Him, He knows! He knows but do you know what He sees in it all? He sees the precious blood of Jesus that covers me. He sees the weak but firm YES that is within my heart. God sees His beautifully broken daughter who He absolutely and tenderly adores.

Yes, I am broken. I am not perfect. But that does not define me. I have chosen to say yes to the call God put on my life to be a missionary. But that does not identify me! My identity is not found in what I do for Him or for any one else. My occupation as a missionary has nothing to do with my ability, my righteousness, or my desires. I have accepted the occupation as a missionary because God is worthy of my time, my treasures, of my life. God is the author and perfecter of my faith and of my life.

God is the God of details. The name my parents gave me was totally destined by God even if they didn't know it! Nicole means "victory to the people" and Helen means "shining light". From the time of my conception God called me to bring victory to the people through shining light. God literally created me that my life would reveal His victory and His light.

So I'm broken. Oh well, God isn't!!!

Abba Father, thank you for your unfailing love and mercy. I praise you for who you are! I love you Jesus. I pray that you would be exalted even in the brokenness of my life. I pray that I would learn to lean on you, to fully depend on you, and trust in your way. And Jesus I pray that anyone who reads this would know your amazing, all consuming love for them!!! You are all together lovely, rich in mercy and full of compassion for your people. Amen