Grieving?

I honestly didn't think I was going to deal with grief. Apparently I either thought my heart had an iron cage around it or I was hoping I could freeze it in ice.

Bad idea!

I hate to admit that the grieving process has started. I don't want to admit my weakness or my fear. Speaking about it. Giving it a name is hard. Squashing its power is a challenge.

Randomly, seriously out of no where, things have begun to prick my heart. Little things like the comforts of my home. Or knowing my way around my city. And never having to struggle to communicate. Most recently BIG things like watching football with my dad. Or phone calls with my mom. Seeing my sister. Spending time whenever I want with my best friend.

I have never been big on holidays but this year I have this relentless pull in my heart to treasure them. While talking with my sister a couple days ago she mentioned that these would be our last holidays together for a while. This thought has been in the back of my mind for a while and I really didn't think it would be a big deal. But hearing it spoke from her, well my heart broke a little.

Then I came to yet another realization. Sacrifice. Sacrifice is more than just giving things up, it is leaving people behind. Leaving people behind causes grief. Grief I haven't been willing to admit to.

But with sacrifice and grief come the knowledge of obedience and hope.

And knowledge that Jesus doesn't think any less of me.

I will not become a victim of grief. I will embrace the understandings of my heart and take extra care in the time I have remaining here. I will be gentle to myself when the unexpected tears come. I will hug people a little longer. I will speak I Love You more often. I will allow special moments to take up residence in my memories. I will treasure time, thoughts, and adventures.

And I will look ahead to my time in Italy with excitement, joy, an adventurous spirit, dedication, attitude of prayer, and a longing to make Jesus known!

~Nicole