As my last post shed light on, I've been a
2008 was a trying and difficult year. I was in my 3rd year of Nursing school. I knew nursing wasn't for me after the first day 3 years earlier but at the time I felt trapped and didn't know anyway to escape. Nursing is an amazing field, a very difficult and rewarding field. I went to Nursing school right after high school with the belief that I would be an overseas medical missionary when I was done. I pushed through the first year. I forced myself through the second after failing 2 classes. I reached the third year exhausted and wavering. I had told myself for 3 years to hold in there and get to my Pediatric rotation (which I thought would be the best rotation and make me actually want to be a nurse). The time came for Peds and to my extreme dismay I hated it. I cried the entire semester. I had finally had it.
I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I had to make a decision. And I did.
Over spring break in March of 2008 I went into the registration office and filled out my exit papers. Only one person knew I was doing this. My mentor, who had sat patiently for over a year listening to my sobs and seeing my heart give up. I didn't want any one's input. I didn't want any one's opinion. I had to do this for me. I had to be selfish.
I finished the semester incredibly strong. I got the best grades I'd ever gotten. I was happy. I felt freedom. I could taste it. I could feel it. But oh was I afraid!
I had one desire, to sit before the Lord. But that's not a "money making job". I had no plan when I quit school. I didn't know if I was supposed to go to school elsewhere. Or find a job. I had no idea what to do. I could feel freedom but fear was my food day and night. My desire to have all of God kept me just above the water line, kept me from drowning in fear.
It happened quickly, out of left field. I submitted my application to do an internship at a small House of Prayer in South Carolina, Zadok House of Prayer. Those months from March to August are a bit of a blur. Many things happened: I told my parents I had quit school (subsequently disappointing them deeply), was accepted into the internship, started raising funds for the internship, moved back in with my parents for the summer, packed my bags for 5 months with the possibility of it being forever.
In August I moved away from home (out of Omaha) for the first time. Across the country to a place that I knew 2 people. I was more excited then I had ever been. I was ready!
Before boarding the plane I looked into my mom's eyes and could feel her pain. I don't know for sure what she was feeling but it felt like anger, disappointment, sadness and fear all rolled up into those two eyes. I remember crying most of the plane ride to SC. Leaving home was very hard. I was scared. I was sad. But I knew this was God.
The first week was a blur. I was on my own for the first time. I didn't know all that much about the Lord and was eager to learn. I wasn't familiar with all the things done in the house of prayer. I was so totally out of my element.
What I thought was going to be perfect, time in the prayer room sitting before the Lord day after day, living in community with other believers who loved Jesus, what in my head I imagined would be perfect turned out to be the hardest and most trying time of my life. God used my five months in South Carolina to till the extremely dry and unhealthy soil of my heart. My heart still grieves over the pain I probably caused people in that time.
During my time in SC I discovered many things. Like how much I didn't trust the Lord. But it didn't stop Him from providing. And how much offense I had in my heart towards the Lord. But He continued to shower His love on me. Or how much pain I had hidden in my heart and turned inward, which unfortunately got spewed all over the people around me. Mostly God ripped off the veil of my heart and revealed the immense amount of rebellion the plagued my heart.
Like I said those 5 months were very hard. And at the time I hated it. Now? Oh, how I long for it.
That season uncovered a great amount of pain but it opened up opportunity to heal. I am very thankful for that season. I am thankful that despite my unbelief God provided my every need. Like each time my bank account hit zero, people stepped up and gave. Or when I ran out of food, bags of groceries appeared. Or when I was the worst person to be around, the interns and people around me stuck with me despite the pain and loved me. And when I hated the prayer room God would put me in the prayer leader position and encounter my heart. He provided everything I needed - not what I wanted.
As I'm remembering that season I believe some of the lessons I learned are just now sinking in. Just at the right time. Of course!
Right now I am in a season of need. I need God to provide finances for Italy. I need spiritual breakthrough. I need faith. I need trust. But I want it all to come quickly and with the least amount of pain. However, as I remember the lessons of seasons past, He gives me what I need and not what I want.
I believe God will provide but the truth is it
~Nicole
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