Short-cuts...

My impatient human heart sometimes desires to take short-cuts.  I am the worst at waiting.  It is impossibly painful to have to wait for anything.

So, in January when the decision was made that I was joining the Mali based team I immediately fell into  "everything must happen at warp speed" mode.  The moment Africa was mentioned over that faithful phone call my heart and mind where decorating my new apartment and picturing my future beautiful brown skinned babies.  I didn't even wait to hear the country I was going to, it didn't matter to be honest.  I would have been content with any one of the 58 countries that make up the amazing continent of Africa.

Then I was introduced to my team leaders and the ministry that they and other teammates are doing in Mali and my heart knew I would be at home with these people, in this country.  Why?  Because this team loves people.  They believe in building relationships, relationships that last.  They believe in the power of Jesus and how much Jesus loves His people.  They desire hearts to come alive as they are touched by the truth of the gospel.  They want to give people Jesus and then get out of the way! 

The dreams about the future began immediately.  The desires to see children reached, rescued, loved, cared for, and in my arms.  But those dreams became burdens that began to suffocate my heart.  Every time I looked at the calendar my heart would sink at the amount of days before I would get there.  Fear would creep up in my throat as I pondered all that needed to be done and all that would happen in the time from then til the airplane touched down on the tarmac in Bamako. 

Unknown futures, unknown pasts, unknown here and nows.  So many unknowns. 
One requirement that I need to fulfill before getting to the field is attending language school.  In Mali I will need to be fluent in two languages - French and Bambara.  I will attend a French language school and then learn Bambara by submersion when I move there.  Initially I was encouraged to attend a French language school in France.  That didn't settle well with me.  I don't remember initially why I was so apposed to going to France but I'm guessing it was due to the 10 month length of the school.  So, I did what my impatient human heart is prone to do... I found a short-cut.

I found a school in Canada.  I defended this decision with these excuses: 1) It is only 3 months long! I can go to school, learn French and get to Mali by January. It's perfect! 2) It is closer so that cuts down on costs. 3) I don't have to get a visa so that also cuts down on costs. 4) Oh and the school is shorter and costs less so that ALSO cuts down on costs.  Come on, this is a no brainer!  I applied.  I got accepted.

Then I got the acceptance packet in the mail and my perfect scenario became a total melt down and a well rehearsed two-year-old tantrum.  As I looked through the information I was completely blindsided by what I read.  I wanted a short-cut and that's what I got. 
When I think of short-cuts I think of bypassing discomfort, getting my way quicker, ducking out of required difficulty, gratification quicker or if lucky instantly.  But what I learned through my pursuit of a short-cut is that God does NOT like short-cuts!!! 

Well, the Exodus should have tipped me off but I'm really dense sometimes.  I mean come on.  What should have taken maybe a few weeks, took 40 years in the desert because... well our human hearts totally suck sometimes!

My desire for a short-cut turned into days of feeling rejected, angry, confused, afraid, and hurt.  My desire for a short-cut ripped off the veil of my true beliefs of God.  My desire for a short-cut left me broken.

I was accepted to the school but in order to attend I would need to change myself - my personality, my appearance, my convictions, my heart.  Through that God removed a veil that I had been hiding behind... the truths behind the desire for a short-cut.  I was left uncovered and bare before my God.  That is a painful place to be.

My desire for a short-cut exposed my lack of trust in God, my lack of faith in God, and my fears.  I didn't trust or have faith that God would provide all of the money I would need for language school, airfare and visas.  I didn't trust or have faith that God would protect and take care of my heart in the months of loneliness I could face.  I didn't trust or have faith that God would help me face one of my biggest fears - going to school. 

My short-cut was just a different name for self preservation.  I was so afraid and instead of confessing that and asking for help in overcoming my fears and asking for faith, I ran away from God and decided to take care of it all myself.  

I failed.  And God showed Himself Sovereign once again. 

With an unveiled heart I approached His throne and asked for a heaping dose of grace and faith like I have never experienced before.  I unclenched my fists and told Him I would do my best to trust Him.  I handed Him my bottle of tears and asked for help to trust His protection and provision.  His response...

I've got this dear one!  You're mine and I will take care of you, I promise!  I love you and that's all that you need to know. Just wait on me... I'm never late!

So... I wait.  I have said good-bye to short-cuts.  Well, I'm trying and that counts for something.