On to something

Every time I log on to my blog I have the greatest of intentions to write.  Write something, anything.  I love to write, well I love to talk and writing sort of flows from that.  But here of late every time I sit down to write nothing comes out.

Call it writers block.  Call it feeling overwhelmed.  Call it anxiety.  Call it fear of writing what is actually on my heart and swirling in my head.

Call it what you want. 

The past two months have been full.  Full of amazingness and full of pain.  It's quite odd that days can be filled with both good and bad.  My days have been filled with wonder.  My days have been filled with deep pain.  All wrapped up in unknown packages with my name scribbled on the label.

I have been blown away with how absolutely incredible God is!  My heart has been torn to shreds by reality, lies, fears and bitterness.

I have witnessed my all sufficient God provide in huge ways for many people around me.  Financial provision swirling all around me for beautiful people.  Some of these people are Jesus lovers and some are not.  But none the less He has graciously poured out His love and affections on them with His wonderful provision.  It has been the most awe inspiring thing to watch.  To watch God show off.  To show His strength, His power, His love, His grace. 

For everyone around me.

Here is where I pause. 

Do I reveal the crappiness that is hidden in my heart?  Do I confess that as I have watched God lavish His love on others during the sunshine, I lay in my bed under the moon light and cry?  Do I let you all in to my heart that is packed full of fear, doubt, and sadness?  Do I expose just how little I trust my God? 

The very God I have been raving about for weeks now, pouring out praises to Him because of His unfailing love and faithfulness.  The very God who has come through to many times to count in the lives of people that surround me.  The very God who promises to us in His word that He will never leave us or forsake us.  The very God who promises that He will not put us to shame and that He will bring to completion all His works.  The very God who promises that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.  The very God who said that our weak love is enough for Him.

Weak love.

He said it was enough.
    
What if I told you that not only is my love weak but so is my faith?  Because right now weakness is my defining feature. 

Believing God's promises for others is easy!  He will absolutely come through for them!  I believe that without any fear or weakness.  But for me?  Not as easy.

You see, right now my heart is in God's hands.  My heart that if overflowing with hopes and dreams and pain and fear and shaky trust.  My heart that has always been wrapped up tight.  My heart that has held big dreams that I always thought would simply remain dreams.  Too big to ask for and definitely too big to actually come true.

How in the world could my seemingly crazy dreams of moving to Africa, adopting a way too big a number of children, being found by Mr. Right (for me) and living an amazingly wonderful complicated life, come true? 

It's just too big.  And as I have been told a gazillion times it's stupid.

BUT, wait.  What if these dreams are not too big or stupid?  What if they are small and incredible?  What if?  

This is where I am.  I am in the "what if" state of mind.  The place where your heart longs to believe that maybe, just maybe your dreams really can come true.  The place where you have seen God show up enough and keep His word that even the crazy dreams seem possible.  The place where you read a bible verse like Joshua 1:9 and hope is reignited in your heart.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Am I believing God for big things? Yes.  Do I feel like my dreams are too big and seem impossible? Yep.  Do I seem like a hypocrite? Probably. 

But this one thing I know for sure, MY WEAK LOVE AND WEAK FAITH RAVISH THE HEART OF MY GOD!  And right now that is enough to keep me going.