Guard it

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Guard your heart.  It's a phrase that is thrown around a lot in Christian circles.  Usually this phrase is said to a person in a relationship setting.  But it is a phrase that can be used in any life setting I am sure.

I have said this phrase so many times to young people in my life that I could most definitely be considered a broken record.  I have said it to myself so many times... while starring at myself in the mirror trying to make what I am saying sink in.  Guard your heart. Guard your heart.

But what happens when guard your heart turns into seal up your heart tightly so that no one or nothing can get to it and hurt you.  At that time the word guard looks a bit different.

For me right now the phrase guard your heart is lingering in the recesses of my mind and has become increasingly louder.  It's as if a large knight in steal armor has taken up residence in my head and is screaming at me GUARD YOUR HEART NICOLE! PAIN IS COMING! 

the red coats are coming, the red coats are coming...

There are times in my life when life events take me to the place where isolation is the only way I know how to deal.  I'm not particularly proud of it but that's how I tend to roll.  As much as it may not have been the best idea in the world I decided I was going to embark on officially finishing all seasons of the show Gilmore Girls.

Obsession is not even a strong enough word for my love for the Gilmore Girls.  When the show came out I was approaching high school.  After the first episode I was hooked and quickly became the coffee obsessed woman I am still today.

I never watched the final season of GG. 1) Because when the show ended I was in college and did not have access to cable and 2) I could not bare the thought of my beloved GG were no longer.  It was painful for me.  

Oh so dramatic, I know.  But truly I am the absolute worse at goodbyes.

Lately I have been feeling off.  Sad a lot and just wanting to disconnect.  To shut down and I really couldn't pin point what exactly was going on.  Yes, life has been stressful lately and my life is quite the circus act of unknowns but even with this I couldn't decide what was the source of the pain.  Then after half a box of tissues and the final goodbye show of the Gilmore Girls it hit me...

My time for goodbye is coming.  It is coming and I have absolutely NO freaking clue when it will be.  It feels like the news of my departure is going to fall out of the sky and if I'm not really careful and have my heart securely wrapped in that knight suit all hell is going to break loose inside of me.

With the unknown hovering constantly above my head I have unconsciously made the decision to simply guard steal wrap my heart and try to quietly run back away from people in my life.

Guard your heart.  It's a great piece of advice.  But I really wish it came with a darn step by step instruction manual.  Preferably one with pictures.  Because I have a feeling I am failing at the guarding and it has morphed into bricking up.