Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.

Yesterday I held myself together with tape just long enough to get through the day and get home.

I made Mac N Cheese from a box and cried as the noodles boiled.

At 7:30 I found my way into my PJs and into my bed.  I didn't leave the safety of my sheets for the rest of the night.

The gang from Friday Night Lights kept me company as I starred blankly at the computer screen and watched imaginary people live difficult imaginary lives in a ridiculous imaginary town in Texas.  I really like those imaginary people.

Throughout the night my parents both poked their heads in the check on me.  They get nervous when I get this way.  I think they get a bit scarred.  Their baby is prone to shut down and they know it.

This morning I struggled to get out of bed.  Sleep wasn't my friend last night.  But as I finally made my way down stairs my mom's eyes locked on me like glue.  She was determined to know what's up.  To be honest I don't share much with my mom.  It's not because I don't love her or want her to know, it's just sometimes I want to keep her from knowing my pain.  No mom wants to see their kid hurt.  And truthfully she doesn't understand.  Most people don't. [I say that with absolutely NO dramatic teenage angst].  Most of the time I don't even understand.

My heart hurts.  My mind is heavy.  My life is messy.

As I quickly answered her questioning with "I'm fine, just have a lot on my mind and wanted to be left alone last night."  She came back with, "I understand. You DO have a LOT on your plate and mind right now.  It's just that... it's not good for you to shut people out."

Yeah, I know mom.  But sometimes I don't know what else to do. 

The boys from FNL have this saying.  It's their badge, their thing.  Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.  It hits my heart every time I hear them say it on the show.  Like deeply hits me.  It's a bit weird.

But last night as I laid in my bed I began thinking about what that saying means for me.  Why it touches me.  How it pertains to my life.  My life right now.

Clear Eyes:  Nothing in my life is crystal clear right now.  Nothing except my unwavering love and desire to be in Africa.  My eyes are clear when it comes to that.  I know it with every fiber of my being.  My sight on Africa is clear.  With clear eyes you can see the whole "field".  You can see your teammates and your opponents.  Right now I see where my future is going.  I see my teammates living their lives in the place I will in 15 months call home.  I see what is going on in my soon to be home country.  I see with my human eyes.  Right now I also see my opponent.  I see the enemy trying desperately to keep me from seeing.  If satan can blur my vision of the promised future then he can pull me off track and cause me to fall away. 

Full Hearts:  The Scripture says that our mouth speaks out of the overflow of our hearts.  No matter who you are your heart is full of something.  Right now my heart is stuffed full of contradictory feelings that are beginning to fight with one another.  Passion, Love, Fear, Doubt, Hunger, Desire, Longing... I want so deeply to be in Mali serving with my teammates and loving every single child God puts in front of me. My passion for hurting children is one that eats away at me.  I desire so badly to be able to help and provide for their needs.  But I also desire to LOVE those God puts in front of me here at home.  I desire to be responsible and take care of everything here on the home front.  I long to be content where I am and not just long for where I will be.  I fear that my love for unknown people across the world will hurt and harm my relationships here at home.  And as all of this is going through me the doubt that anything is actually going to happen sneaks up and closes off my airway.  My Heart is Full.  But I fear that some of the things it is full of are becoming toxic. 

The only thing my heart needs to be full of is the LOVE of Jesus, Passion for the lost and God's beloved ones, Hunger for the Word of God, Desire to obey all that God calls me to do, Longing to do His will, and Joy of the Lord which is my strength. Full Heart.

Can't Lose: This one is BIG.  This one takes courage.  This one takes trust.  This one takes every ounce of my being.  Because it is true - I can't lose.  Even when everything seems to fall apart or be moving at a snails pace.  I can't lose.  Even when gut wrenching fear sweeps in and tries to take me down. I can't lose.  Even if the {very hard to admit} fear of what if I get to Africa and total fail and disappoint every person who has given their hard earned finances to me, comes true.  I Can't Lose.  The Truth that takes courage and trust and every ounce of my being to accept and believe is that with Jesus, I Can't Lose. 

I am simply obeying what God has commanded me to do: To leave my home land and become a stranger in a foreign land. To take care of the widows and the orphans.  To keep myself from being polluted by the world.  To love the unloved, the unlovable, the least of these, the forgotten.  To speak the name of Jesus to the ends of the earth that they may know Him.  To love.  That is what He has commanded me to do.  And if I just obey, if I just go and do as He has commanded, I can't, I WILL NOT LOSE ANYTHING!!!

Right now my heart is a bit overwhelmed and that's ok.  Jesus is more than able to handle it.