October was busy.
My heart and mind are busy. Mainly busy with worry. Busy with making plans for a future that is completely unknown.
I feel like a broken record. I feel like almost every post I write here is the same thing over and over. So I hesitate to write about life right now because indeed my life is like a broken record. The same tune playing over and over and the more it plays the more warped the record gets. The tune begins to skip and play it's own variation of what once was.
How do you express with words the pit that has taken up residence in your stomach? How do you explain the constant turmoil that has made it's living room in your mind? How do you justify the doubt with the truth?
I don' t know.
Question after question come at me on a daily basis. The same question packaged a bit differently each time. And the more it is asked the more I begin to doubt myself.
No, I have NEVER stepped foot on the continent of Africa. I wish I could stamp that on my forehead and just bypass that entire part of the conversation. The answer is no. And I wish I could eloquently express the utter pain that answer causes in my heart. It is a pain far too deep for words. Because it the longing of my heart. It's actually much deeper than longing ~ it's a desperation.
I am desperate to be in Africa. There is a statement I found somewhere on the internet that says, "I need Africa more than Africa needs me." It is true - I need Africa. I need to be on that continent. I need to be there. I am desperate to be there.
Since I was a teenager the future held one picture for me. The life I DREAMED of was one where I moved to Africa after high school, met a wonderful man and we got married, and shortly after we were married we began filling our small home with as many beautiful African children as the Lord would allow. All I wanted was to be a wife and a mother living in Africa. That was my dream life, that was the life I pictured for myself.
Guess what?! It still is my dream life. The life I picture for myself. The only life I want to live.
I need Africa more than Africa needs me. I am not under some naive notion that me becoming a missionary and moving to Mali is going to make a huge difference. I know that I cannot save the world from poverty. I know that I cannot save every orphaned child from their impending hurt, hunger, loneliness and death they face. I know that I cannot save every woman who has to sell her body in order to feed her family or has found herself caught in hell at the hands of a trafficker. I know that I cannot save every man, woman and child who is going to die and live for all eternity without God because they did not know Jesus.
I know these things. I don't need people to point them out.
To the surprise of many I am not moving to Africa because of what is NOT there. I am moving to Africa because of what IS there. My heart is there. My children are there. My friends are there. My family is there. My bottle full of tears is there. My God is there. My future is there. My passion is there. And I pray that my husband is there.
Africa is not the land of have not. Mali is not a country of have-nots that need Americans to come to it's rescue. Africa is a land of love and blessing and joy and bright futures. Yes, the shell of this beloved land shows the wear and tear of our dirty, depraved and dying world. Yes, the outside picture shows the work of the enemy. Yes, our eyes see the devastating and seeming impossible statistics that come from this place.
The orphan crisis in Africa is not a statistic though. It is a reality. It is a truth that millions of beautiful and purposely created children live every day without the love and care of a mother and father. These children are not numbers they are lives that are wasting away. Each and every orphaned child was created by the Father and He has great plans for their lives! Their identity is not Orphan. Their identity is Beloved Child of the Most High God!
Africa is not a godless land. Don't be fooled, God is in Africa!!! And man oh man does He love His people there. And the truth is God doesn't need my help to make His Son known. But how blessed am I that God invites me and others to be a small part of His plan and gives us the opportunity to share His Word. God desires that every person know and love Him. He desires that every tribe, nation and tongue in Africa praise His name and have no other gods besides Him. He is moving in Africa and He is using His weak and broken people along the way to share his love .
When I think about finally getting to Mali, finally setting up my home and life there, I am so full of excitement I can not contain myself! I want to explode with anticipation! Not because of the things I will do there but because of the life I get to live there.
When I think about the possibilities of my future in Mali my heart flutters and I get butterflies in my stomach! I whisper to my Jesus ~ Do I really get to?! Do I really get to live my dreams?! Do I really get to be Your hands and feet?! Do I really get to live and love and work and be there?! Do I really get to do this?!
He whispers back ~ YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(picture I painted that hangs above my bed)
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