Wednesday, April 3, 2013

be still

On Tuesday the sun was bright, the clouds were sparse and fluffy.  The shining sun beckoned me out of my room and into its light, its warm, its reprieve.

Leaving my desk and mounds of papers, books, note cards and dictionary I accepted The Creator's invitation to sit and be still.

After morning class my brain and emotions were mush.  There was nothing more my mind was going to absorb over my two hour lunch break so why not sit and be still for a while?  I grabbed my ipod, headphones and my favorite book and headed outside.

Nestling my chair next to the building on the terrace I sat listening to music and starring out at the mountains.  They looked so big.  The peaks still covered in snow, the sun's reflection danced off them.  I opened my book to where I last left off... three months ago during one of my many plane rids here.  Her words hit me in a new way.  Her words having a greater effect on me then before.  I felt a deeper understanding to what she was going through.

As I sat in the chair reading Kisses from Katie my eyes began to fill with tears.  As Katie describes her inadequacy of doing what God had called her to do, yet her understanding that God never called her to be adequate, my heart cried out.  Katie came to an understanding that God never expected her to be adequate because He only called her to be willing!  Willing she was and willing she is.

Faced with my own inadequacy I have been searching to grasp this place of weakness.  In and of myself I cannot accomplish the tasks God has given me.  I am weak and broken and unable.  And in that, I am exactly where and what God wants me to be!

I allowed myself to experience that moment.  I didn't suppress the tears.  I let them fall freely.  I didn't restrain my feelings in my heart.  I acknowledged them, all of them.  I acknowledged that I am afraid to fail, to be embarrassed, to feel dumb.  I acknowledged that I feel weak and vulnerable and alone.  I acknowledged that these feelings exist in my heart and the fact that they are overwhelming me.  I allowed God to "see" how I was feeling.

And in that moment God spoke to me in a song.  He made it clear that He hears me, He sees me, He knows me, He is with me, He loves me and He is not put-off by any of my feelings...

You Are - by Colton Dixon

When I can’t find the words to say how much it hurts. 
You are the healing in my heart. 

When all that I can see are broken memories. 
You are the light that’s in the dark. 

Chorus: 
You are the song, 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Ohhooohh 

You are 

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands. You are the provider of my needs. 
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless. 
You are the rain that washes me. 

Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Ohhhhooohh 

(x2) If I had no voice, 
If I had no tongue, 
I would dance for you like the rising sun. 
And when that day comes and I see your face. 
I will shout your endless glorious praise. 


Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Ohhhhoohhh    

As I sat on the terrace, the sun beating down on me, the book open in my lap, I put my head back and closed my eyes.  I let the Lord sing over me.

The song came to my favorite verses where it says, "If I had no voice, If I had no tongue, I would dance for you like the rising sun. And when that day comes and I see your face.  I will shout your endless, glorious praise."  I wanted to stand up, dance wildly and shout praises!  I didn't but oh how my soul exploded with praise and relief at that moment!

God will do anything with a willing heart.  So, today I position myself as completely inadequate yet totally willing!

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