I felt the twinge of guilt as I made the decision. A bit of sadness and pain pricked my heart as I walked by. I felt the nudge from Holy Spirit. I heard the quiet whisper say stop.
And with this, the heart that I know found her way to the surface after nearly 4 and a half months.
I felt the prick and the nudge and the sincere desire to stop but I didn't. I kept walking like I didn't see and went about the rest of my day. But today, oh today, the man's face is in my mind and on my heart. With a delayed response, my numb and a bit guarded heart broke. The tears fell. My heart longed to turn back time. My heart begged to relive that moment and choose differently, choose rightly. However, I can't. I cannot go back to that moment.
*****
Saturdays I typically sleep in a bit and yesterday was no exception. However, I couldn't sleep in too late because I was hitching a ride to the grocery store at 10am so I needed to get up and get ready. As I put my grocery list together, walking back and forth between fridge and pantry and computer, I realized I needed to run to the ATM. I finished my list quick, grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I had about 45 minutes before we were going to leave so I had enough time to make the 20ish minute walked into town, down to the bank.My pace was quick and my gaze steady as I walked the busy street. I tried to ignore the unabashed stares of people as I pass, people here know I'm a foreigner, they just know. I crossed over to the other side of the street, the side the bank is on, at an earlier intersection than I normally do but I didn't think much about why. I kept my pace quick and kept my gaze at the store fronts or on the ground, a new habit of mine. That's when I came upon him...
Let me take a moment to pause the story. When I first came to France I was told that there are not
many homeless people because the government takes good care of it's citizens, in that if someone is
unemployed there are really great benefits they can receive to help prevent them from becoming
homeless. That was very interesting for me to hear and very intriguing. There were other comments
tossed in with that like, if someone is homeless it is by choice. I have heard that specific comment so
many times in the US but here in France, it seems to have a strong validity.
There he was sitting on the cold cement in a corner where two building met. Surrounding him were his dirty bags, probably all he has, and his dog. He appeared young but I couldn't really tell. His clothes were worn and dirty, his hair matted, his eyes....
I don't know what his eyes looked like because I could bare to look into them. His voice was very soft though. As I walked by him he spoke something to me, of which I couldn't understand. I just kept walking.
I knew my heart had returned because as soon as I walked passed I thought to myself, buy him a baguette. I hushed my heart and walked until I stopped at the ATM. My mind kept thinking, the internal dialog continued and the excuses hushed the desire to help.
There is a bakery on nearly every corner in town. It will take a few minutes to stop in and buy an
.80 cent baguette. You have time.
I don't know how to talk to him! How can I help if I can't even talk? I don't want to just buy him a
baguette, walk up to him and hand it to him and walk away! Maybe another time.
I crossed the street and set out on my way home. I tried to not look his way as I walked by on my way home but he was standing up juggling, I couldn't miss him. My heart sank. But I just put my head down and turned up my pace. I made it home and shoved the feelings down and went about my day.
*****
The feelings made their way to the surface today. As I thought about that man my heart became very sad. Not necessarily for him but for me. Yesterday I disappointed myself. I chose self preservation over doing one small thing to help someone. I chose to say yes to fear and no to Holy Spirit. In all honesty, my heart is devastated.
Believe me, I did not stop for every homeless person I walked by back home in the States. No, I did not, but I did stop when I felt Holy Spirit nudge me to. But when you spend nearly two years working at a homeless shelter and most of your redeemed life time spent caring about poverty and working with the poor, there is a part of you that is forever changed. This is not about me being a good person or being a good Christian, it's about the reality that I simply did not obey God.
As a lover and follower of Jesus I know what He says about this kind of thing. He made it crystal clear in the gospels how we are to treat people. In Matthew 25 Jesus says,
35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them,‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
I willingly walked past this man and did not offer him something as simple as some bread because I was scared to be embarrassed that I could not speak or understand well.
I didn't stop because I completely believed the lie of the enemy. Because the truth is I could have slowly formulated a simple sentence that would have communicated to him that I was giving him some bread. I didn't need to have a profound conversation with him. I really don't think he would have cared that we couldn't have a long, deep conversation. I think that if he was hungry my words wouldn't mean diddly squat anyway. My actions would have spoke loud enough.
This is all I had to say: Bonjour monsieur. J'ai acheté ce pain pour toi. Bonne journée.
That's all.
Jesus help me choose You in every circumstance. Even when I'm scared and nervous let me choose You! Jesus break through this fear that holds me back from loving the way You love, from living the way You lived, from being Your hands and feet. Jesus, I ask for grace and mercy on this journey You have me on. It's more clear than ever that I can't do this without You!
*****
What are you afraid of that is holding you back from being and/or doing what God has called you to? How do you work through the fear?
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