currently

This space has been silent for some time.  I think about it often.  I don't know what to think about it.  I'm not sure who reads the things I write.  I'm not sure what the people who read what I write think about what I write.  That's a lot of thinking about unknown things.

I desperately want this space to be one of encouragement.  To be a lovely space where I can share things happening in my life that will be used to build up others.  That is one of the deepest cries of my heart ~ to be a woman who builds people up.

But the deep cry is far to deep to be heard at this time.  I'm sorry.

I write from my heart.  I write what is on the tip of my tongue.  And as you can see there is not much encouraging going on.  Oh how I wish I could say I am facing this year with hope and faith and trust and a smile.  That would be a flat out lie.

Oh how I wish that goal #8 for this year was remotely coming to pass but alas it is not.  This year I wanted to embrace life.  I wanted to embrace all that came my way and live this year to the fullest.  I wanted to embrace the difficult times, the exciting times, and all the in between with praise in my heart and and my shield (of faith) held high.

Instead this year I have come face to face with the stark differences of what I think and what I believe.  What I say and what I do.  How I feel and what choose.  Some of these differences have left me surprised. 

I have a thought, as fleeting as it might be, that this year has nothing to do with learning French.  I'm beginning to think that this year has everything to do with coming to grips with what I think about God.
  
Does that sound bad?  I tremble as I write that.

I don't know what the future holds.  I have no idea what tomorrow will throw at me (other than 2 more french exams).  I have no idea and truth be told it scars the crap out of me.  I don't know what lessons God is wanting me to learn.  I don't know how to process some of the stuff that has come up.  

I don't know.  That pretty much sums up my life currently.

As much as I desire with all my heart to come to this space and write lovely things and leave you feeling greatly encouraged... that will hopefully come in the future.  But right now I need a space to be honest.  I need a space where I can share my heart with whoever it is that reads this.  

Because the reality is that life with God is like roses and rainbows...  Roses have thrones that hurt with you touch them and Rainbows come after the darkness of a storm.  You can't have one without the other.

I guess that's one of the lessons I'm being taught.  To embrace is to be brought low enough that you will accept His embrace.

Exams one and two of eight are now complete.  Six more exams over the next three days to go...