.permanent.

Hi.  My name is Nicole.  I am a permanency-aholic. 

They say the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. 

I have a problems.

I have many problems, as do all humans, but this particular problem has come to the surface with full force.  The conditions have been perfect for it's reveal.  This problem is what I call, permanencyism. For as long as I can remember I have craved, needed things in my life to be permanent for me to function.  Or at least I needed to believe that things were permanent.

In hearing this of someone else I would think that they have dealt with loss in their life.  Maybe the divorce of parents or even the death of a parent.  Maybe the death of a beloved grandparent at a young age.  Maybe their best friend moved away or their favorite pet ran away.  I would quickly draw the conclusion that they are broken from loss, thus need the sense of security in things being permanent.

I cannot be classified in the above scenarios.  

Why then the need for permanency?  I don't know.  That is what I have been trying to figure out.

This issue has reared it's ugly head and it is not something I can ignore.  The life path the Lord has placed me on will never include permanency.  Just writing that hurts.  The need for permanency runs deep ~ friendships, relationships, jobs, family, faith.  The desire for permanency has both kept me from these things and has kept me in bondage to these things.  

Yet, letting go can be both painful and freeing.   

I am walking into a life where people are going to come and go.  A life where a relationship may not happen.  A life where the unknown of tomorrow might be the only thing that is certain, permanent.  

My need for permanency has allowed me to keep myself at arms length from people and circumstances that I perceived were temporary conditions. 

What I have discovered is in my attempt to surround myself with the permanent, I have missed out on so much.  What I thought was going to keep me safe and unhurt has actually been the cause of so much of my pain.  What I thought would help... is the thing that has hurt.

As I considered all this I had to ask myself the question, "Is anything in this world permanent"? 

The only thing I could come up with is that there is just one.  God.

And that is when I realized that THAT is what drew me to God in the first place.  He was the only person that promised me that He would never leave me.  He promised me that we would never have to be apart.  He promised that He would never hurt me.  He promised me that He would never stop loving me.  

God is the ONLY person in my life who has never broken a promise.

I know I have only touched the tip of the iceberg with this issue.  And I think that this may take a life-time for me to work through.  But I guess if there is at least one thing permanent in my life I can continue to walk the road of temporary and still continue to function.