the grass is NOT greener

I really don't like the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side". Of course our human hearts believe this because we will never be fully satisfied with anything in life this side of Heaven. I'm sure if I dug deep enough I could come to an understanding of why I have a really hard time being content but for now I'm ok just knowing this about myself. I have come to an accepting understanding that the grass is NOT greener on any side.

As I pack my apartment and attempt to get all of my possessions (that I'm keeping) in 5 large tubs I find myself thinking about what my apartment in Italy will be like. Every once and a while I will allow myself to drift off into day-dream land and image what it will be like. Apartments, living, life in general are so very different in Italy than they are here. I even allow myself a moment of excitement that is before the anxiety seeps in and I have to rein my mind back in. Right now it's too soon to be excited, it's too soon be expecting, it's just too soon.

My mind is constantly consumed by all that I have to do. Getting moved, sorting through my belongings - figuring out what I am going to take with me overseas, working 2 jobs, getting my school work done, finding time to raise support. Blah, blah, blah. This past weekend I got burnt to a crisp - why? Because I forgot what it was like to be outside and that fair skin is no match for the big ball of fire in the sky.

I started this blog to document my year of deputation and then as a place to document my life in Italy. I'm a talker and I like sharing my life with others. What I wasn't prepared for was the ever present reality of this blog is not always going to be upbeat. Here is what my heart feels as I claim that the grass is NOT greener...

I am not my own. My life willingly belongs to Jesus. I have given Him permission to use my life as He desires. Jesus desires that every people, tribe and tongue would know Him as Lord and Savior. He desires that the earth would be full of His people praising His name - for He is HOLY and WORTHY. And because I love Jesus, I will do what He tells me to do.

Jesus has called me to share Him with a lost and dying nation. Whether we believe it or not Italy is a lost and dying nation. People in Italy have turned their backs on the Lord and choose to live a life of self. Jesus is jealous for His people, His beloved. Italy is post-Christian and with that comes many consequences. Italy is fully of darkness. 14% of the population practice Satanism. Most people who claim Catholicism are actually Atheist. Islam is on the raise.

I know I can't fix anything. I can't change a lost and dying nation. But Jesus has put inside of my heart the desire to see people in Italy know and love Him with a deep and passionate love. Because I believe with all of my heart that life is better with Jesus in it. Does knowing Jesus make the world better or magically take away your pain? NO. Jesus is not a special pill you take and poof! everything is better. But knowing Jesus gives you hope, gives you strength, gives you the ability to walk this life knowing that you are loved, you are wanted, and that you are not alone.

I know I am doing what God has called me to do. Is it scary? YES. Do I doubt I will raise the money? YES. Am I afraid of the unknown. YOU BET. Do I believe God is sovereign and He does what He says He will do? WITH ALL OF MY BEING.

Life is not going to be better in Italy. Life will be different. Sharing Christ with people in Italy will not be easy. But Holy Spirit will give me strength. Italian culture will be very different and hard to get used to. But I will embrace the new pace of life. I will not have my own car so I will accept the need to use the unreliable public transportation. Italy is historical and beautiful but my life will not be lived as a tourist. I will be lonely and scared and frustrated many hours a day but I will seek joy and comfort and peace in Jesus.

The grass will not be greener in Italy. It will be a different shade that's all.

~Nicole