believing lies

Religiousness slinks its way in when you least expect it.  Good things, godly behaviors turn into legalism at the drop of a hat.  Before you know it you are free falling down the rabbit hole of self condemnation and judging others.  It's a fine line and sometimes the line is blurred.

I am so thankful I have friends who do not keep truth from me.  They speak boldly in love to me.  I'm blessed.

In the past few months some things have happened that have caused me to unfortunately believe some pretty destructive lies.  Wonderful life events have left me feeling pretty low.  Yes, yes I know that is a supreme contradiction.  Welcome to my world.

When we begin to not just buy into, but actually believe the lies of the enemy, you have a problem on your hands.  I guess I'm admitting, I have a problem.  Wait, is this my blog or an AA meeting?

I have come to believe that maybe, if I tone myself down a bit, you know, dress a bit more plain and down play my hair and cover up the tattoos and talk less then maybe people will like me better.  Maybe God will like me better.  Maybe then I will feel like I fit in.  Maybe then he might find me. 

Through two different conversations with two different friends they unknowingly called me out.  I never verbalized these feelings though.  My legalistic word vomit was enough to make them jump in.  Like I said, I'm blessed.

This morning, my morning quiet time looked a bit like this...

Me:  Jesus.  Jesus, I.  Jesus, I need... [insert a semi-dramatic break down session now]
Jesus: silence
Me:  What am I doing?!
Jesus: silence (my guess is that at this point Jesus looks at the Father, shrugs His shoulders, shakes His head, rolls His eyes and lips "that's a great question.")
Me:  This is ridiculous!
Jesus: silence
Holy Spirit: I feel a resounding YES, yes it is! within my spirit so I think He agrees
Me:  Ok, let's do this thing!
[at which point I go to my closet, put on a "Nicole-ized" ensemble.  Walk over to my sink/mirror/beautification station and with all intention tease the ever-livin'-daylights out of my hair.  Bigger the better is running through my mind.  I tame the mane and make it look totally NOT lame.  Last but not least, of course a touch of pink lipstick!]
Jesus: silence (but I think He is smiling!)
Holy Spirit: silence  (well I picture a very Judd Nelson, Breakfast Club fist pump)
Me:  Hey satan.  Talk to the hand and read between the lines.

I'm me and really I don't want to be anyone else.  Oh, but how easy it is to believe the lies that I should be.  There are days when I worry that I might be too much or not enough.  Sometimes, just to add effect I'll believe I'm both.  Yeah, try that one on for size.  

But really, I mean really, this is ridiculous.  The truth is, this pint sized, outspoken, passionate, tender, nurturing, colorful, crass and sometimes inappropriate woman loves Jesus with her whole heart, loves her family passionately, loves her friends fervently, loves others zealously all in the most weakest of ways.  

The good, the bad, the ugly.  Jesus loves it all.  And none of it intimidates Him.  

He's superman like that, my Jesus!