going home...

... for a visit that is!  In about 43 hours I will board a plane headed for home.  My stomach is doing somersaults and my mind feels a bit like a hurricane.  

I'm freaking out.  And that's putting it subtly.  My mind is all sorts of crazy up in here.  I have been having a reoccurring nightmare that I get to the airport and try to check in but my French isn't good enough and they don't let me on the plane.  Yes, seriously that's been my dreams.  No wonder I haven't slept well in like a week!

But that's also been a bit of my reality.  My life is currently dictated on what I can and cannot do, or in this case, what I can and cannot say.  I also understand that this has a lot to do with my own perceptions and my fear of failure.  My world right now is one of choice and I haven't been making the best lately.

As I have been making a schedule for my time home my impulses have been in overdrive!  What do I want to do when I'm home?!?!?

My impulsive list goes like this...

1) Cut and dye my hair - red blond blue purple pink!

2) Get a new tattoo or two

3) Replace all the heals I got rid of before moving

4) Drive, doesn't matter where or when just drive!

...

I look at this list and it makes me a bit sad.  In this list I see, me.  I see me desiring to be me!  

I realized that in the past 9 1/2 months I lost something.  I lost me.  I lost the person I have always been and I don't know how to understand the person I have become.  Part of moving away is starting over.  Starting fresh.  But there's no freshness here, just the smell of stagnant waters.

I think a huge part of this is because I am currently living in limbo.  Yes, I could have chosen to build a life here in France.  Yes, it probably would have been beneficial and healthy, but I didn't, I couldn't.  Retrospect is always an interesting thing.  I think once I move to Mali and can settle into my new home and begin to build a life, I will begin to feel like me again.

Only I pray the me that arises is a better me.

So, I'm going home.  I'm taking some time to breathe.  I'm taking some time to be embraced and loved.  I'm taking some time to reflect on this year and see what I can do better.  I'm taking some time to not feel like a stranger but someone who belongs.

My hope and prayer is that when I move to Mali I will thrive, not just survive.  And sometimes going home helps put life in perspective so that you are able to move on, to remember the past and run freely into the future.  All together working to live in the present.  

There are a lot of things I miss from home but what I miss most are my people!  I can't wait to hug their necks!  I'm going home... for a visit... and it feels great!