Once coming back to Albertville I have taken to journaling every night before bed. There are both a pro and con to this. Con? I end up getting to sleep a lot later than I wanted to. Pro? I go to sleep at peace because I got all the crazy out of my head and on paper while silently praying.
I have a to do list a mile long. There is a lot I need to accomplish in the next 7 weeks. Before going home my to do list would render me paralyzed and unproductive just looking at it! But now? Not the case at all!
While I was home I did not stop. From morning to night I was doing something. I quickly fell back into a
I became lazy and apathetic.
Yuck!
Seeing how much I got done in a very short period of time while at home I challenged myself to continue that when I came back to France. I challenged myself to continue to be productive and move at a pace that I thrive in but also incorporating a culturally slower pace of life. After all, Africa will be even slower paced than France!
I challenged myself and didn't even know I had challenged myself. Make sense?
I made lists of things I need to accomplish by the week and then broke them down into by the day. During the day I would cross off what I accomplished. The first three days left me feeling like a failure. So those nights I would journal about what was going on. What I was thinking and feeling and what were the reasons for not accomplishing such and such.
Wouldn't you know it... the reason behind not accomplishing the items I needed to do was FEAR. I wasn't accomplishing things because I was afraid or intimidated to do them.
It made me frustrated at first to know that I was being held back from doing very important things because of fear. But now that I was able to see that fear was holding me back I journaled more about the fear I was feeling and then took it to prayer. But I WROTE out my prayers! I have realized this is important for me because I need to see things. I also need to have something to go back to when I am stuck in the same fear in the future.
People are constantly telling me how brave they think I am. That is something I don't believe. I'm not brave, I'm a stinking scaredy-cat. But I can recognize why they would think that. My life is full of things that can be considered scary or challenging. That is true. But I can honestly say that getting through the day is because of the grace and strength of God and has nothing to do with me.
I don't say that to down play the fact that yes, I have to act, to do things. And believe me I am not blessed with false humility. I say this because it is true. Let me give you two very embarrassing and recent examples.
There were two very pressing items on my to do list. VERY pressing. One was to get my Passport renewed and the other was to book my plane ticket to Mali. My passport renewal application had to get sent in this week and earlier the better. I had it on my list to do Monday. I did not do it. I put it on my list for Tuesday. It did not get done. Tuesday night I got in bed feeling very anxious and unsettled. As I journaled the truth came out about the situation.
I had not done anything to start the passport renewal process because I was afraid to have to go the the post office to do the necessary things. I was afraid to ask for a French money order and get it filled out properly. I was afraid to ask for the important envelope that the embassy needs to send back my passport. I was afraid to talk to the post worker. I was afraid I would do it wrong. I was putting myself at risk of not getting my passport renewed in time to get my Mali visa because I was afraid of the post office.
I then discovered that the same fear applied to booking my plane ticket. Because I have so many bags and the air line I am flying with has very low baggage weight limits I am going to be required to talk through the weighing and paying process at the airport the day I leave. I was trying the find any way around this very uncomfortable and possibly very frustrating experience.
Tuesday night I wrote in my journal, "It is time to kick fear in the face."
You know what? Yesterday I did just that. I got all the paperwork filled out, printed what I needed, asked a fellow student to come with me for moral support and speaking help, and went to the post office. After about two minutes talking in French the post office worker smiled at me with a very gentile smile and started speaking with me in English. She could see how nervous I was and knew that it was important that we got it all correct. We spoke back and forth in French and English and got everything taken care of.
I came home and booked my plane ticket.
Yesterday, Satan lost.
Passport renewal is in the mail with a request for expedited shipping back to me. On the to do list is to have all the Mali Visa paperwork filled out and ready to go as soon as I get my new passport. Which will hopefully be in the next 18 days.
I leave France on December 22nd and get to Mali the same day.
Ya'll, in my flesh I am often times scared but I know the one who gives all the strength I will ever need to do anything He asks me to do.
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