Truth be told, two weeks before I left France for my time in the States I was at the brink of calling it quits. I was at a place of questioning myself and if ALL of this was really for me.
The choice I made to take on the occupation of missionary requires me to give up some stuff I really don't want to give up. Just saying. Some stuff is serious and deep. Some is superficial and the reality of being an american.
My comfort level is about to get all sorts of smashed.
I had begun to question things. Lots of things. Doubts were swirling around in my heart and I couldn't get them to settle down. I was becoming overwhelmed by my emotions. Missing home was beginning to take its toll on me, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Leaving your family is hard.
Leaving your best friends is hard.
Leaving your support system is hard.
Leaving your comfort zone is hard.
Leaving your church is hard
Leaving your language, culture, traditions, understanding is hard.
But sometimes the leaving isn't as hard as the functioning where you end up is.
I got to Omaha with a giant case of homesickness. Or at least home's people sickness. When I got off the plane and was able to hug my parents for the first time in almost a year was incredible. The first evening home was great, just hanging out at home with Mom and Dad and my friend Gracia. Just like old times. I fit back into life so comfortably.
I imagined the rest of the trip to feel much the same. But I was wrong.
My reality check came when I walked in the doors of church Sunday morning. I was a visitor for the first time in 13 years. I didn't fit anymore. My place had been filled and life had gone on. **
Continually time and time again reality began to set in... My life is not here anymore. I am a visitor. I am on vacation, coming back home for a visit. My parents have so many new things going on in their lives. The farm houses look completely different and new family members reside in the houses. My sister has a new dog. My friends are in new jobs/married/engaged/in different states. New staff members occupy offices at church.
Life went on and I realized I was holding on to the life I knew that doesn't exist anymore.
I didn't know I was holding on so tight.
I then realized the truth is that I have changed too.
And that's when it happened, the unexpected. The doubts were gone. The homesickness lifted. The death grip I had been holding on with, loosened. Clarity, comfort, peace took their places. It all became so clear - I'm where I am supposed to be. I'm not meant to be at home. At least not now, not in this season of my life.
I'm supposed to be in France struggling through learning French.
I'm supposed to be just weeks away from my big move to Africa.
I'm supposed to be doing what God planted in my heart so many years ago.
I'm supposed to be uncomfortable.
Sometimes that's just the way it goes. I may not understand the ways of God but I do know that they are always good and can be trusted. I left my visit rooted in the truth that I'm where I'm supposed to be and going where I'm supposed to be going. Leaving is still hard but the confidence I have now makes it so much less painful! And for that I am so very grateful.
Right now Proverbs 31:25 describes just how I feel!!! God is good, ya'll! God is good.
Right now Proverbs 31:25 describes just how I feel!!! God is good, ya'll! God is good.
**Please understand that these are my feelings and internal searchings. No one made me feel unwelcome or tell me I did not fit.
No comments:
Post a Comment