Although, yes, my time home in October really did help me solidify my calling to Africa. A confirmation I needed more than I could have ever expected, especially now. It appears the real reason I felt the urgency to come home for a visit was because it would be the last time I got to spend time with my Mom.
This is the first time writing about this. I haven't been able to write or really even process any of it. But if I am ever going to get through this I must. I cannot keep it in.
Sunday, November 17, 2013 was just like any other Sunday. I listened to a sermon online and then watched the Nebraska football game. I did a few things as I waited for 4:30 to roll around. Every Sunday at 4:30pm France time, 9:30am Omaha time, I would skype my Mom and Dad. Well, 4:30 came and no call came in. I didn't think much of it and waited a few minutes. Still no call and so I called Mom's cell phone but there was no answer. It was then that my heart was beginning to sink as my mind wandered toward the worst. I then called Dad's cell phone and the worst came to be.
My Dad could barely talk. His silence cut like a knife. Through his tears and my screams, Dad told me Mom had suffered a brain aneurysm that morning.
I can still remember that call. I can still remember the utter chaos in my heart and mind as I tried to process the fact that my Mom was in a coma, on a ventilator with nearly no hope of living and I was sitting at my desk in a town over 4,000 miles away on another continent.
Broken and in shock. With one phone call my world was completely and forever changed.
With the help of many precious and unbelievable friends, the prayers of many and the grace of God, I was able to make it home 60 hours after I first talked to my Dad. God moved mountains and I got home.
I remember in one of the many conversations I had with people that Sunday, a dear friend asked how she could pray for me. I remember so vividly the fierceness in my heart as I told her, "I don't want to be mad at God!!! Pray that I will not become angry!!!" In that moment I know that was not me speaking... it was Holy Spirit speaking out what He knew I needed the most. Even in those chaotic first hours God was breaking through in great power.
The three days following Mom's aneurysm were very traumatic. I didn't realize just how traumatic until later, after the dust had settled. By the time I arrived at the hospital Mom's body had become unresponsive. It did not take much time for my heart to sink as I sat holding Mom's hand, stroking her arm, and talking to her for me to come to the unwanted understanding that she was not Mom any longer.
Her shell was there but her mind was gone, her personality was gone, her life here on earth was coming to an end. It was time to let her go. And so we did, we let her go.
The room was dark and quite. I sat on one side of the bed, Dad on the other and my sister at the foot. Surrounded by the three people who loved her most, Mom took her last breath here on earth at 1:30am, Wednesday, November 20th.
And just like that I was motherless.
In those early hours as I climbed into my bed I remember whispering to the Lord... "I don't want to be mad at you! Help me." And He did.
He held me closer than if He was my own skin. He filled my mind with His truths. He filled my heart with love and peace. And He filled my spirit with hope.
I remember in one of the many conversations I had with people that Sunday, a dear friend asked how she could pray for me. I remember so vividly the fierceness in my heart as I told her, "I don't want to be mad at God!!! Pray that I will not become angry!!!" In that moment I know that was not me speaking... it was Holy Spirit speaking out what He knew I needed the most. Even in those chaotic first hours God was breaking through in great power.
The three days following Mom's aneurysm were very traumatic. I didn't realize just how traumatic until later, after the dust had settled. By the time I arrived at the hospital Mom's body had become unresponsive. It did not take much time for my heart to sink as I sat holding Mom's hand, stroking her arm, and talking to her for me to come to the unwanted understanding that she was not Mom any longer.
Her shell was there but her mind was gone, her personality was gone, her life here on earth was coming to an end. It was time to let her go. And so we did, we let her go.
The room was dark and quite. I sat on one side of the bed, Dad on the other and my sister at the foot. Surrounded by the three people who loved her most, Mom took her last breath here on earth at 1:30am, Wednesday, November 20th.
And just like that I was motherless.
In those early hours as I climbed into my bed I remember whispering to the Lord... "I don't want to be mad at you! Help me." And He did.
He held me closer than if He was my own skin. He filled my mind with His truths. He filled my heart with love and peace. And He filled my spirit with hope.
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